I really wanted to write a reflection on 2017. Although, writing a reflection involves acknowledging the biggest challenge I faced in this year. My goals for 2018 begin here. From there I hope to grew and evolve into a better person.
This past year has been amazing, incredible, challenging and terrifying. This is what a lot of people will say. They will discuss their accomplishments and maybe even their setbacks.
I wanted to take some time out to write an open letter to 2017 and the one thing that held me back. My anxiety. This post is may contain some sensitive topics so if you are effected by self-harm and suicide, I would urge you to really consider not reading the rest of this post.
In 2017, I can’t count the number of times I woke up with an anxious, heavy feeling in my chest about my life, my friends, my family and my job. Every day felt like a chore and every thought felt like a never ending circle.
This was the beginning of 2017 and honestly, I had never experienced anxiety this bad. Normally, I would channel my energy into cleaning or listening to music and have a few anxiety attacks. This was something different. This was taking over my whole body and my mind. I felt stuck.
I’ve always struggled with my mental health and I thought I was getting somewhere good at the end of 2016 but I will be honest, I had just went through an extremely unhealthy breakup and my worst was yet to come.
I started eating a lot and not caring about my appearance or my goals in the beginning of 2017. I was drinking a lot. Using alcohol as a coping method to how much pain my anxiety was causing me. This went on for months at a time and I hope now after reading this some of my friends can understand why I chose to give up drinking at the end of 2017.
I had noticed where I was heading. My family has a long line of alcoholics and I knew that drinking heavily every weekend and most nights was not healthy. I hope you all understand now that associating myself with you is not because I don’t care about you or hanging out with you. It was for the sake of my own mental wellbeing.
By mid-2017 (I think?) I joined a new club and I am forever thankful for these groups of people. They showed me how to love learning again, to be proud of my degree and all the opportunities that could shape me. I even achieved my first “big girl” job from one of my fellow students. This really helped motivate me but my anxiety was always there, saying… “you’re not good enough.” I had a lot of success in 2017 if you look at it from the outside. I travelled, laughed and worked harder than I ever had.
But by the mid-2017, around May. I thought about committing suicide. This is something I hadn’t thought about since 2013. Although at the time it was my depression, this was solely related to my anxiety and the stress I was putting myself under. I was constantly sick, constantly mentally deprived and I lived every day with the pressing thought of “what happens if my best ISNT good enough? What happens if my parents, friends and family really don’t love me, what happens if my grades aren’t high enough?”
All the pressure I was putting on myself was exhausting and I spent a fair number of nights locked in my car, crying and listening to sad music.
I had just got back from Toronto, seeing my favourite band when I seriously considered it. I planned it out for over a month, writing notes and saying my goodbyes when I realized I had to go to California one last time before I died. So, I held out until July.
Then, visiting that place with my best friend really put things into perspective for me. I was finally able to enjoy something I really loved and I was so thankful for that trip, it was probably one that I will always remember. It was the beginning of an alternate lifestyle.
When I got back, I was determined to not let my anxiety eat me alive like it previously had. After a week of conscious thinking, I was back into the dark hole I had tried to dig myself out of for two weeks.
By this time, it was August. I was starting to get depressed again and I was up all night with headaches and thoughts about my life. This was around the same time I discovered Mindspo.
What is Mindspo?
Mindspo is an online 4 week guided mediation course that was founded by Rochelle Fox, an Australian YouTuber and entrepreneur. She developed the course for people like me, who needed help with their mind. I signed up and I can honestly say it was worth every penny.
Mindspo focuses on a few main aspects: mental health, mindfulness, mediation and wellness. The website explains it more in depth. The purpose of Mindpso is to showcase a voice and movement of ancient and modern knowledge. Mindspo delivers the wisdom in a relatable way for the next generation.
For the next 4 weeks, I had a purpose. I stayed motivated and at least three times a day I tried to improve the mental clearness I achieved while mediating.
Looking Forward: 2018.
It’s hard to imagine my life without Mindspo and mediation now, even though I still struggle some days. Mediation truly saved my life. Ever since I started mediating, my mind has been clearer then it has ever been in years. I think more logically and I conquered some of my biggest fears by the end of 2017.
So, 2017 thank you for introducing me to mediation and fuck you for making me feel like I was ever not good enough to live the life I wanted. I hope 2018 just continues to bring me a peace of mind and allows me to think more clearly. I want to be able to mediate every day and not challenge my mind but soothe it. Mediating everyday is the goal.
Thank you so much for reading and I hope everyone achieves everything they set out to accomplish in 2018. Everyone deserves to have their dreams come true. Personally, I know I can’t wait to see what 2018 brings, I made it this far.
Finally, thank you Mindspo. Check it out. Create your own reality.